life in the fast lane.

it's been another crazy couple of days: eric's little sister sarah came up to visit us and brought a friend with her. then some of eric's friends came to stay for a few days, too, so we had a really full house. and not the healthiest of agendas, either: pub crawl on saturday plus dinner out, doughnuts and lunch out again on monday, dinner out on tuesday. my sugar's been hanging in for the most part, but it's still hard to handle the lack of routine.
hopefully today will begin the transition back to normality. although today also marks the beginning of lent, which i am having a really hard time with. i am not sure if it's me being a lazy or ambivalent catholic, or me being an angry and distruntled catholic, but i just have no motivation to do the lenten sacrifice this year. normally, i'm pretty good: i go to church on ash wednesday, refrain from meat on the prescribed days, and also give something up. but this year, i just feel empty about it all... more guilt is not an appealing thought. is it bad to think that this condition of diabetes has forced me to give up a lot of things for a lot longer than 40 days? i don't say that to be morose. i think that anyone who has diabetes would agree that even if you have the most optimistic outlook around, the disease (if you try to have good control over it) still forces you to give things up. sometimes some of your favorite things. and the guilt that surrounds this idea of sacrifice is a major factor, too. i know that i am probably a more guilt-ridden person than some, but guilt and diabetes go hand in hand... you test yourself several times a day to gauge how the decisions that you make affect your body. of course, everyone makes decisions that affect their body, but i think that having at least 10 blood sugar test results per day makes these decisions harder to ignore. if the test results aren't "good," which of course they won't be a significant percentage of the time, it prompts the finger-pointing questions and thoughts of, "why did you eat that?" and "don't you have any self-control?" and "you did that wrong!" and "you're greedy/ stupid/ fat/ insert any unflattering adjective that you find appropriate!"
and so, i think i am set with giving things up this year. and i am pretty sure i'm covered on the guilt front as well. and although i have made the decision not to formally practice lent this year, i am still going to try and make some life changes for the positive, like watching what i say to the people i love, and trying to do things in moderation.
see, i'm not the devil after all, despite the fact that i won't be attending church today.