my to do list

some hopes for 2007:

• to find balance. over the past several months, i have become very dedicated to a workout routine-- about 45 minutes at the gym, six days per week. i do this for my diabetes, because i am petrified by the idea of skyrocketing blood sugars that would be a result of skipping the gym for too many days in a row. so this idea, while healthy in theory, seems to be feeding my anxiety. if i miss the gym, not only do i beat myself up about getting fat, but i also worry incessantly about how my sugars are going to react. eric says i should just skip the gym for a few days to see what would happen to my sugars so that i can plan for it. i think it's the fear of the unknown that is really bothering me. this seems like a good idea, but before i can focus on that, i think i need...


• to control my eating. i don't eat poorly for the most part. i really don't. it's just that i have a hard time stopping, and sometimes i eat way too much. i gained three pounds this holiday season, which i am hoping i can work off soon. i also torture myself by thinking about eating foods that are not diabetic-friendly. i know, i know: in theory, diabetics can eat anything as long as they dose for it. but some foods are just asking for trouble. physical trouble, in terms of pizza and homemade cookies and other fatty and difficult to calculate items, but also mental trouble. i beat myself up about eating things, and then also get angry that i have diabetes in the first place and am forced to limit myself in the way that i am. so i am thinking a more concrete meal plan might be a good idea. i eat very routine breakfasts and lunches on the weekdays, and i think that the next step will be extending them to the weekends. then i need to come up with some concrete dinner ideas that treat my sugar well and aren't too fatty. and then i can try and stick to this plan. i plan to treat myself a little, maybe with the addition of a bedtime snack, and some planned splurges (i cannot shake that doughnut habit, i just can't!), but for the most part, having a plan and sticking to it hopefully will reduce my mental anguish, which is what worries me most.

• to stop putting myself down. i've always had an issue with my self esteem. but dealing with a disease that is so based on having "good" test results has heightened this issue. i think that i go to the gym and run myself ragged because if i don't, i am not a worthwhile person. there's a constant voice in my head telling me to do more more more because if i don't then i will become fat, ugly, lazy, a bad diabetic, etc. typing this out makes me realize how crazy this idea is, and yet, it dominates my time. this is a big issue, and right now, i need to incorporate concrete changes into my life to help me deal with it. like forcing myself to sit down and relax when my mental voice is commanding me to get more and more done. that's what i can focus on today. of course, i know that this is a bigger issue that i need to get help with. but for today, this is what i need to focus on.

another year, another round of promises to myself. maybe writing this stuff down will help me follow through. tomorrow, a list of successes from 2006.